Happy Fourth of July everybody. Hope yours was cool. Mine kinda sucked. Here's why.
Had to work. When you are employed in the travel industry, holidays are just days. 365 days a year, we are open for business and that's just the way it goes.
Had to go to Walmart. Well, I didn't have to, but it's on the way home from work. What I saw was a potent cocktail of redneckery and festive holiday attitudes.
Here's what went down: It was hot. Not quite the ass-end of Mercury hot, but still uncomfortable. (side note. I spend about 94% of my energy while at Walmart trying to ignore the people. Just how I'm wired) So I'm walking toward the store ignoring people when the foot traffic stops. I look up and see two, shall we say, less than desireable males, stopped dead in the doorway comparing LoJacks. With pride. With no sense of humor or irony.
LoJack Dude 1: Yours is newer. Does it (something slangy and unintelligible)
LoJack Dude 2: Nah, nah, this one's straight GPS bro. Runs offa satelite.
Me: Ugh.
Inside the store is the most horrific collection of ...I don't even know how to explain these people. As I drove home I attempted to define what I would have to do to fit in with them.
1. Get a lobotomy.
2. Sustain several concussions to the remaining portion of my brain.
3. Acquire a mullet/rat tail/pony tail.
4. Have an aggressive inability/misunderstanding of how/why to get/stay out of someone else's (my) way.
5. Wear enough flag apparel and buy enough beer to give Toby Keith a boner.
6. Be loud, stupid, ignorant, purile, vapid, etc.
7. Become clinically depressed that our county is currently a high fire risk thereby forbidding by law the sale of and/or use of personal fireworks this year. Total bummer that Johnny Law removed your best chance of losing some fingers and an eye this year, Cooter.
8. Go to Walmart for the social aspect of it all. (I go because it's easier on the budget than the other stores near my house). These fine folk go because it's a hoot an' a holler celebrating their general retardation of thought, style, substance and evolution. I'm not sure when it became acceptable to be dumber than a stump. In fact I completely missed out on when we started celebrating this ignorance. Pretty sure that the cast of Jersey Shore would totally smoke these guys on Cretin Jeopardy. Today's categories are Spray Tanning, Tractor Pulls, STD's, Nascar Collector Plates, Jorts and Inbreeding.
Got home after this freak show of humanity and twisted my ankle walking on a flat, even, unobstructed floor. I assume this is the cosmos' way of reminding me that I'm getting old and if the government had any smarts they'd step in and put me to sleep.
So here I am, sitting in my chair, ankle throbbing, grateful that my spine touches my brain, and hoping upon hope that wherever the demolition derby/rodeo is held tonight, while all the Walmart shoppers are once again gathered lemming-like in one place, whatever diety they pray to (Dale Earnhardt doing a kegstand?) sees fit to hurry natural selection along its merry way and send a meteor to cleanse that scabby patch of earth of their presence.
Not that I'm bitter or anything.
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